I am not the same ...

I am not a better person, hopefully not a worse person, clearly not a perfect person, what I am is a changed person. How could I not be after the death of my eldest daughter, Alexia. This type of profound loss changes a person.  Not for better or worse, but changed - for ever.  

Wiih this type of profound change in me, how can I be expected to live my life the same way I always have. It is too painful to live in the same house, see the same faces, shop the same stores and live my life as though nothing happened.  Oh I speak of her, talk to her and see her artwork in the house daily. But on the outside, I feel like life has continued on - as "normal".  

But how can this be ?  Nothing is normal, I will never be normal.  I stutter when asked "so, how many kids do you have ?"   I avoid grocery tellers who were once her best friends, no longer able to watch them grow up and become happy young adults. I find myself talking about her so much that I worry I am not paying enough attention to my two other children by not letting her go.  

But how do you "let go" of a person when you are asked to live the same life you had lived, but now without her.

It's simple,  you don't. 

Such a profound loss means something dramatic has to happen in equal proportions to the loss. Does that mean I give all my possessions away and hike the Himalayas ?  Maybe, if it was just me. But it's not. I have Alexia's younger brother and sister to think about.  They are floundering as much as I am at the moment.  It's time for a change. Not a small one, but a life altering one.  One that will equal the loss we experienced. 

Then just maybe, the real healing will be able to begin ...